Wine and your bits, the real reason your genitals are in you pants.

Wine and your bits

The real reason your genitals are in you pants.


Who would have thought we would be witness to a todger in the tokay, ok, it wasn’t tokay, but it might as well have been. It’s a sad state of  affairs, and does no good for wine drinkers quietly sipping their syrah and pinots noir.  There is a reason your bits are in your pants, it’s so while drinking a glass of wine, they don’t accidently flop into it. The first law of the human code states, don’t put your bits in your wine. Obviously the memo had not been circulated thoroughly enough.

I am yet to meet someone who at the end of long day can’t wait to get home and float their boob in a glass of merlot, or dangle their dongle into a chilled amontillado. Is their something I’m missing? Am I not adventurous enough? There are obvious benefits of titties and tackle over tastebuds. Firstly, the lack of taste receptors in your bits mean the chosen appendage doesn’t care if the wine is corked, or oxidised. It could be a way to deal with that last glass of wine everyone at the party left. Or is the reason it was not drunk due to a party goer relaxing with a nut dunked in it? It doesn’t bare thinking about.This peculiar wine practice takes cheese and wine to another level, a level no one should ever have to entertain.

Assuming I’m a wine snob and believe my eyes nose and mouth are the only parts of my body to enjoy wine, let’s look at the factors a less particular wine drinker, a genital dipper to be precise, should take into account when submerging themselves into wine.

1. Glassware choice is paramount. Don’t choose a coupe when the champagne flute is clearly the right choice. Water may refract, but let’s not kid ourselves.

2. Still or Sparkling,  the effervescence of the beverage will play an integral role to your enjoyment (I would imagine).

3. Avoid high acid wines, Clare Valley riesling, Vouvray and nebbiolo, the slightest cut and you’ll know about it. Think Grigio or a buttery Chardy.

4. While it may seem obvious, don’t follow tradition like red wine with red meat, as you would forever be stuck with pink wine for your pink bits. Be adventurous, experiment.

5. I think this is the most pertinent, don’t drink wine left out at parties, you never know what’s been macerating in it, and you may not get to see the pictures to find out.


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